my boyfriend's ex is still close with his family

Suppose her stuff is stacked in boxes in the aisle. She was NOT pleased with me. In reality he beat my mother relentlessly and emotionally abused us kids as well. Since then my family still only wants to talk to me only to tell me what they have. Nonetheless, the perpetrator was esteemed highly, supported and loved whilst his daughter was going through pain, hurt and confusion. My familys happiness is way more important than some ridiculous grudge Ive held way too long to over an ex. Not only this but you expect your ex husband to completely abandon his emotional connections he forged with your family? We are talking about parents and siblings who treat the ex better than their own flesh and blood even when the ex has been dangerous and abusive and downright manipulative. I am going through the exact situation! How would they feel if this child was in a relationship like that? He made it his life goal to take away all my friends and some family members. My kids are now 17 and 19 and I support them 100% (less the $100 a week he is court ordered to give) including their college education, their home, transportation and clothes on their back. What a niave view of a relationship. Weve been divorced for almost 5 years and Ive talked to them about inviting him to stuff before. Since my uncles death the family have been peaceful and loving , i now find happiness in everything i do. But guess who my family chooses? He was sensitive enough to my sisters childishness that he would not come over when she was around. This is so hard. Often the person leaving has been putting in the most effort and done everything they can to save the relationship before they throw in the towel. When you marry someone you marry their family too, and if you cant even allow him to be around your family??!! I can honestly say there were no lies or manipulations on my part. Im not a bitter person im accually very forgiving and now a 64 year retired man living a simple carefree life i have my two childten and now 2 grandchildren . I told my bf he told me he misses his mom. The familys treatment of me when i split up with my ex literally broke my heart. Take it one day at a time and regain your family with or without him there , when its your weekend go to your family with the kids and when you hear them talking about the great time they have had , just say thats nice. However I like your point of moving past victimhood and playing them at their own game. You cant do that because you created a false character, lead people to believe things that are not true, and your only talents are complete denial, projection, blameshifting, gaslighting, and the double bind. There are so many demonic personalities that happen to put up a human skin with no heart or feeling. Thats very disrespectful of your family to show support to your ex and not you. This is a bad sign for your romantic relationship because the seeds for romance are being sown in these late-night calls with someone your ex has been in love with before. Oh Boy @Brandon says and @Rena williams, yall sound toxic AF. Its the absolute best outcome for everyone if you do the work within yourself to not let the presence of another affect you so profoundly. Even if the parents want you to remain in their lives in some capacity, out of respect for your ex I'd either ask him how he feels about it and respect whatever his wishes are, or simply fade. With family like this, who needs enemies. Now I see that my ex has a facebook page with 46 friends. So you can be that heartless as not to relate with someones feeling. Id be a liar to say it doesnt get under my skin. I would sometimes laugh it off, and he has stopped contacting my dad asking for help, and hes also stopped contacting me (mostly because I have him blocked on everything). Your family should respect your wishes and cut off all ties. They said that they were a unit so if they chose not to see me then that would include the children. Its very tough to pretend. Dear John . I am in a very similar situation. You divorced him, your family didnt. I literally googled my family still hangs out with my ex. I dont have a problem with him having a relationship with anyone in my family but I dont think I should have to be there when he does or give up my family vacation. Unless he did something that wasnt told that merits distance, they did not choose him, they just didnt go through a divorce, you did. It may say something more about you than your ex. I see kids who are well adjusted and able to enjoy important milestones in their lives, without a thought of who will, and who wont get along. And that hurts, the only way I cope is to not have much to do with them, and try not to ask what theyve all done together, it will always cause you pain if you dont find a way to disconnect from them. So Im right there with the OP and all of you who have similar stories. They just didnt get the emotional trauma I had gone through. Your family was not offended by him, you were. It only makes for an uncomfortable situation and possible heat/arguments/embarrassment that couldve been avoided in the first place. Was really confused when my older sister, started during our acrimonious divorce, to help him out. Honestly your post is so ironic vile spew disguised as coming from an empath! Not much you can do about it really, it will probably cause a rift, and like me have very little to do with them any more. They have given him false info about me and my kids (some, i planted to see how long it would take for them to tell him!). I wanted my family back for me and for the sake of my kids because the reality is if there is no relationship with me, there will be none with my kids who know I am the only one they can depend on financially and emotionally. I fell betrayed because most of them knew ,to a point, what I had to go through. This is beyond cordial. He does it in front of the kids and friends. I was beyond sad over it. If a family member chooses to support your Ex, by hanging out, inviting them, etc, then they are purposely ignoring your feelings. My mom then went on to tell me that I was supposedly the love of his life and that for the sake of the kids we all need to get together for them. My siblings declare they can do what they want and how I feel about it does not matter. Her advice, I need to focus on my kids succeeding and pull myself together because I am all they have and to break ties with them forever as they will only continue to cause me more hurt. Your family is. Well we find out a few weeks ago she did it. As your bf if there is any particular reason theyre so close to Nina. I dont get it and I dont think you are being unreasonable at all. I was thinking today how odd it is, and how the OP would feel, if she had become very good friends with her brothers wife for 10 years, and without warning they divorced. My children are in therapy due to the relationship. Even if you are right they are HER family!!!! but the family stands with her, and no contact he is out of the picture the adult kids still have contact but not my cousin.. I chose my health more quickly this time and have gone no contact. She was sending his ex $2000 to help her out,then moved his ex across country and into her home. The result is that the family expects this and expects you to get along and make due with the relationships that you asked them to build. My husbands ex does this too. I dont understand because I have a granddaughter from their marriage. I was mad! Get over yourself. Now another 6 years has gone by. While they were dating my boyfriend and his ex spent a lot of time with his parents. I know you posted this a year ago. as some currently going through this same thing only Im the ex..Im the one pushed out of the circleI was never given a clear reason why, even as to why she left. But my nephew thinks its ok because he is his uncle. Ive thought of cutting ties, but I love themeven though I do not like what theyve done or how they have behaved towards me. You are not alone! Its not a matter of right and wrong Its what YOU feel comfortable with. I expressed displeasure. It's bizarre that she's still hovering around, 15 years later. they knew the extent of his violent temper and yet my parents who are against everything he was involved in, would visit him in jail. This happened on valentines day, I caught my husband with his ex wife at a dinner party in a restaurant in Cornwall, I cried home and almost hit a truck. I have no problem with them being cordial but family gatherings is out of the question, esp if you are around. I have been in a relationship for about 3 months now with someone I've known for about 3 years. My divorce turned my sisters into 2 people I dont even recognize. my ex was very controlling and financially and mentally abusive as well as more personal reasons I dont care to share. And what kind of example does it set for the kids? There are occasions where they all come together like a special occasion run by an education provider. If your boyfriend and his family find it hard to discuss sensitive. } Wishing all of you peace. I have NEVER commented to any post, but I cannot imagine. My boyfriend's ex is still close with his mother. Even if you spent time with their siblings frequently and considered them close friends, it can be good to prioritize your ex's feelings. I think you should have a talk with your whole family and be open to them that their relationship with your ex is hurting you. And that they had something going on longer than I thought. My point is there is more than family that can be lost from bitter feelings, that can last a lifetime. Who wants to ride that emotional rollercoaster with people??? If you cant answer yes to most of those then your true answer is no! "acceptedAnswer": { My ex also dumped my stuff at my Dads and my Dad wouldnt drive 7 miles to my Mums to drop it off! They invite him to holidays, birthday parties, vacation homes. Remind them that even though he is the childrens dad, that is all he is. Also, thanks for helping me see that Im not alone either. You would be in her shoes one day and you would then understand why family loyalty is important. I am in the same boat kind of.. Im finally divorced, but lost my eldest son through death due to drugs. My sister continues to say shes been the best sister but i beg to differ! She invites them (ex, gf, my kids) to her house for gatherings and excludes me. It makes you question your worth as a human being, if your own parent wont support you then you must be garbage right? A lot. My family we also still close to him. I still love her for the little sister she was but I dont like the person she has become. I can relate with many of you. I actually thought it was over that I lost it all until my best friend connected me, My husband left me for his ex wife, This was just 2 years of our marriage. I live near my ex in-laws and remain close to my mother-in-law, and the exs nieces and nephews, and one of his cousins. She especially seems to need my inlaws, still calling them Mom and Dad after 8 years divorced? I was married to him for 11 years, I knew exactly what they were in for. He systematically does all the right things, 4. It sounds like your ex has intentionally embedded himself into your family. Even if you spent time with their siblings frequently and considered them close. Why would my siblings request and maintain friends with my ex family when my siblings know how much this bothers me. One of the first big holidays after my divorce was Thanksgiving. As far as their relationship with meI have been kind to them in various ways, but the other disadvantage (if there were one) is that because of the distance in states, even after 10 years they dont know me extremely well. Also, Im bothered that they rather build a relationship with him instead of my husband. Also tell him your discomfort. They would respect your wishes and distance themselves from the ex, not go out of their way to include him in every way. She of course will never speak up. Personal I think youre being selfish. You should be taking the children to go see his family as well. I relented to a 15 year old, because I figured it was a losing battle. The last straw was finding out my brother and my SIL now hang out with my ex and his gf as couples. This family sounds toxic though, knowing youve been pushed out of the circle and that it hurts you, and yet still carry on with what they are doing.its like they are saying he is more of a necessity in their lives or more important than you. Remember you have kids with him. When he is at family functions she will sit right next to him the entire time and just talk and talk, and she will ignore me or look at me to see if it is bothering me. Your inability to keep a promise has no bearing on their relationship with him. Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded . I was 18 when I got into a really nasty breakup with my ex-boyfriend one week before graduating from high school and moving onto college. When i divorced my ex (he was emotionally abusive) my Dad, Stepmum and siblings supported him over me. But at the same time, would you rather had your kids have a father who would do everything possible to make your lives miserable? They fail to understand how this makes me feel no matter how much I tell them. Is it just that they have fun together and like to joke around? You make some valid points but if you have been abused by your husband and the divorce is long and drawn out because theyve played every nasty trick in the book then why wouldnt you get upset if your family showed preference to your ex instead of you. He would show up to about 1/10 events. I searched for what to do when your family stays in contact with your ex. I understand how you feel though. Sarah Argyle.Im in the SAME SITUATION. Even post-divorce for so many years, my husbands brother continues to choose his ex-wife over a relationship with his brother. He is an EX. I was judged from the offset as the guilty one for initiating the divorce and they felt sorry for him and had no problems telling me so. There needs to be compromise and understanding on both sides. Your family is soooooo completely wrong You should send them a link to this web page and give them the choice him or you And yes You go w the kids You and ur kids should cut all ties If they dont wise up Then you dont need them. Divorce doesnt mean contact ends. he said he loved her but does this mean he still does? My family knew how bad my ex treated me and yet still praise him, making me feel betrayed. Trust me. My mom knows that he has dated 3-4 women after the divorce and cheated on them too and was arrested for soliciting a prostitute. Now my niece is getting married and she wants to take part in hosting the bridal shower and be at the wedding. Agreed completelythis family is very disrespectful, and I am sure he loves the foolishness of what they are doing (and the girlfriend too) it likely makes their day, SMH. To one of the commenters, if he was a good person, he wouldnt be abusive! I think Ill share this post with my siblings and mother so they get an idea of the hurt and damage being done. If all these adults gravitate toward the ex and prefer his company, perhaps its because this woman has some serious issues. I was in a 20 year verbally / emotionally abusive marriage. I would imagine this would be an uncomfortable situation? Ive never had a problem before until she doughty the house next door. Which I think I great and very nice of him. I have asked my siblings that if he or my children wanna bring him to a visit at their homes to just say Ask my sister. All relationships need to be earned through mutual respect and consideration. 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